UPON THE EXECUTION OF
TERRI SCHIAVO
- SHORT VERSION
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By now Terri Schiavo’s experience should have launched a
national debate about how to dispose of nuisance citizens
in a manner that is consistent, discreet, legal, sanitary,
and (most importantly) humane. While she is merely the
latest of thousands of people in the U.S.A. who have been
dispatched when their guardians have grown weary or have
given up hope, she has generated enough media attention
that no thinking person can be unaware of the debacle.
I wonder what I would prefer if I were not clearly dead but
were deemed by a court to be dead enough to be finished off
in some gruesome way - if I were in Terri's predicament.
And not only I, but if I am called upon to concur that a
person under my care and guardianship is likewise due to be
dispatched, these are a few of the ways I’d consider among
my options, for myself and for someone else:
Starvation and thirst – The Terri
Schiavo solution. This is slow and, I must believe,
agonizing even to a person who is already partly or legally
dead. The brain stem is a powerful advocate for food and
water, and it is the brain stem that sustains respiration
and circulation. For me, at least, I would ask that my
guardians consider my will to eat and drink as strong as my
will to breath and pump.
Suffocation – Not with a pillow
pressed over the face. That would be too dramatic. Instead,
this could merely be a plastic tent placed over the head to
slowly reduce the supply of oxygen to my lungs. One assumes
that I wouldn’t have the involuntary reflex to strike the
tent away with my already-dead arms. As long as it was a
“natural” suffocation by merely depriving me of oxygen, in
the manner of starvation by merely depriving me of
sustenance, it would be a peaceful and efficient way to go,
and certainly quicker than starvation.
Drowning – Assuming a
compassionate intent to attend to the partly dead person’s
comfort – after all, we do surround them with pillows and
such – nothing is quite as soothing and comfortable as a
warm bath. I could be lowered into a bathtub, the warm
water could slowly be raised in the tub until it completely
covers me, I would inhale a little of it, and then it would
be over.
Freezing – This is a possibility
that removes most of the worry about the suffering that
some might ascribe to the previous methods. Even conscious
people “suffering” from hypothermia aren’t aware that they
are suffering. (Judges take note: People don’t feel it, as
those who’ve been rescued from the edge of
death-by-freezing have testified.) They become disoriented
– if I were already partly dead presumably I would already
be disoriented in the extreme – and then they slip from
consciousness, and then their systems quietly shut down. I
think freezing Terri Schiavo would have been more humane
than starving her.
Buried “alive” (but in fact partly
dead) – If I were partly dead but a consensus
couldn’t be reached concerning my wishes, I could be placed
into a coffin and lowered into a grave where any of the
foregoing consequences could take place and no one ever
need know which one succeeded.
Bleeding – If I’m already partly
dead and my heart and lungs haven’t the good sense to shut
down, this may be my first choice of a way to go. It would
be quick, and it would not need to be messy. I’ve already
donated roughly 80 units of blood in my “life”time, and
this would be a way of donating ten or so more units of
good blood under a controlled collection process. Then
someone else who is not already partly dead but in need of
more blood could be prevented from becoming partly dead. If
I’ve reached 90 donated units before I become partly or
legally dead, then finishing me off in this manner would
help me earn the coveted 100-unit pin!
Cremation – The opposite of
freezing. This has its advantages because it not only makes
one completely dead but also completely resolves the
secondary debate about what to do with the remains. I
frankly reject this solution for myself anyway, because I
cannot accept that I wouldn’t feel it. Cremation, however,
would be my disposal of choice once I am completely, 100%
dead dead. I am concerned that there isn’t enough land to
keep burying people and pets and plastic. Take the pressure
off the land and burn me up.
Natural disposal – A very simple
solution used by aboriginal Americans, according to pre-PC
literature on the American Indians. My partly dead body
could be placed onto a platform high above the ground, out
of sight of people who might find it distasteful to
accidentally glance upon the scene, and the crows and
vultures and other hungry creatures of nature could each
carry part of me away. Digested in this manner, it would be
nearly as efficient as cremation. And anyone who wants a
souvenir of me wouldn’t have to settle for a lock of my
hair. There are about 206 bones in the body, enough for all
my friends to have one after they’ve been cleaned of the
fleshy parts over a couple of weeks of exposure to nature.
I don’t think being picked apart in this manner would annoy
me. In fact, if I’m sufficiently disoriented, it might
tickle.
Lethal injection – This would be
fine but probably wouldn't be approved by any court because
it's too much like punishment, which is what the judge
ordered for Terri Schiavo, but we pretend that it wasn’t a
death sentence.
Assisted suicide – This is an
option under certain circumstances. If I am partly dead,
(dead enough to be put to death under a court order but too
weak to protest that I didn't commit any crime worthy of
execution), but still marginally conscious and able to
manipulate something, I might want to go this way. The type
of contraption that would make this effective would depend
on my residual voluntary abilities at that point and is
beyond the scope of this discussion.
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