ANNOYING PEOPLE

By “annoying” I don’t mean someone who’s a neatnick or has no sense of color or who laughs strangely or who eats too many onions. Annoying people are those who don’t respect your space or time or skill or position. They insist that you notice them or at least stand in your way so you can’t help but adjust to their presence.
First consider this about such a person:
· Her social ineptness, inability to form relationships, and apparent rudeness are pathological. Something is mis-wired in her brain. She perceives that she’s communicating acceptably and effectively.
· His intrusiveness and inability to empathize are the result of a zoo-style upbringing. He doesn’t comprehend privacy. Either he’s like a sheepdog and needs to know where everybody is all the time. (Maybe like a sheepdog puppy.) Or he’s like a black fly. You just want to swat him and watch him writhe forever on the floor.
· She can handle exactly so much load and never a straw more. She lives in constant fear that everything else in her world is going to collapse at any moment. She’s like the juggler balancing spinning plates on raised sticks. If one plate falls, it’s over for her. She can’t stop and pick that one back up without the rest crashing down around her. So whatever you ask of her, even though it doesn’t affect her personal life, is threatening, because it might upset one of her precariously-balanced plates. She fears that if her job plate becomes wobbly, the end of the world is near.
· He is friendly and likeable, but his personal habits are atrocious. He coughs on his papers, drinks from dirty cups, eats crumbs that fell on the floor, puts his shoes on his chair, and wears glasses that look like they need to go through a dishwasher. You want to put him through a dishwasher. He doesn’t smell badly, but if he did it would complete the picture. He was probably raised normally but now has a different view of hygiene, possibly due to political influences that encourage rejecting conventional habits.

Each of these types has few friends. Anyone who even tolerates their annoying traits becomes their best buddy.

If the person bugging you is one of these, you have an explanation, and it isn’t about you. The anger the first one shows, the constant presence of the second, the furtiveness of the third, and the oblivion of the fourth have little to do with you or what you’ve done. Get close enough to the center of each one’s being and you’re going to end up dealing with the eccentricity there. In a way, it’s a benign pathology in each of them. Benign and in most ways forgivable. They don’t know how they come across and can’t help it.

If the annoying person is not one of the above, then something more sinister is at play.
· Is she imperial? Does she behave as if she invented the world or was placed in charge until God comes back from vacation?
· Is he lascivious? Does he always seem to be talking to pretty women and never to the big or old or homely ones?
· Is she devious and evasive but in a friendly sort of way that you can see right through?
· Does he always seem to be watching for your mistakes and have an answer for everything before you even know the question?

These are the manipulators and the parasites. They are not benign. But you don’t have to yield to their control. Generally, they want easy prey. If your position alone doesn’t give you the authority, then command their respect by asserting yourself. Give them a hint once in a while that you see what they’re up to. Remain cordial and fearless.
Beyond these types, there are people more dangerous than annoying.
· He’s the one who expects you to listen to dirty jokes (not once in a while, but continually) and enjoys even your negative reaction. He acts like he wants to help all the time and makes sure things happen that then make him indispensable. Others know what he’s all about too, but he’s probably uniquely indispensable to the organization so nothing can be done about his offensiveness. He keeps it just subtle enough that it escapes definition.
· She’s the one who is constantly indignant about something and assuring you that you’ve screwed up again. She always has plenty of examples to share about how others are screwing up too, so you know she’s complaining about you everywhere else.

These people are few, and they may normally leave you alone. But when they attack they need to be repelled. They need to be shown or told that they are not welcome and not succeeding. If their business with you is legitimate, remain cordial and professional. If their business with you is to use you as a victim, use your resources. You have “superiors,” you have specific wording recommended by law, you have witnesses, and you have your wits. Trust your wits last.

There is plenty of crossover between these two groups of annoying people. She can be fragile and imperial at the same time. He can be intrusive and lascivious at the same time. Combine these traits in any way you want to and see who emerges.

Worse than any of these are the people who have actually set out to harm you.
The people who have betrayed me, lied about me, tried to undermine me, and so forth – they aren’t many but they are out there – I have regarded more with pity than with scorn. I have done my best to treat them as I want to be treated, although my best has not always made me proud.

Is it possible to push my buttons, to hurt me, to make me want to retaliate? Sure. I have vulnerabilities. It’s not what others would do to me but what I would do to them that would damage my self-respect.

People who attack me to my face are pathological. Those who would attack me behind my back are petty, and anyone I respect won’t be fooled by them. Rarely, maybe too rarely, have I gone out and tried to replace the misinformation with the truth. (Some call that standing up for yourself.) I may rely too heavily on the concept that what I do will speak more loudly than what others say about me. I think most people understand the concept: Consider the source. Most liars and gossips are recognized for what they are. I’d rather err on the side of proving the lie in what they say rather than following the liar around and trying to undo the damage. To the extent I go around standing up for myself, the liar is in control and I’m wasting precious time and energy.

Have I ever been mad enough to retaliate? In my adult life, not that I recall. Most of my adult life I’ve been pretty confident. Most of my adult life I’ve also been asked to assume some type of leadership role. I would not and have not abused power. (I often haven’t even recognized when I’ve had it or how much.) I can think of a couple of instances when the kindness I’ve shown to someone trying to harm me has actually startled or alarmed them – has, as Yeshua said it would, heaped burning coals upon their heads. I can also think of times when I’ve used my authority in unexpected ways and disarmed the one bent on destruction.

About one annoying person in particular: She supervises a department or two. She is the first type listed above – socially inept, rude, commanding. Compare her to a basketball coach. She thinks she’s running a team. She can yell at them from the sidelines, charge onto the floor and argue with the referees or other “coaches” (as she sees other department heads), and demand to see the rule book. She yells at the other teams’ coaches. She especially belittles the other teams’ assistant coaches. She once knew a coach who yelled at the team members and abused them verbally and the team loved the coach for it. It was a legendary relationship. They became the most loyal, winning team. When that coach was eventually called to task for dishing out the abuse, the team rallied in support of the coach and won a reprieve. So here she is now in our midst with the self-image of the crude but beloved coach, but that will never be her.

Do you treat her like a coach? You can if you know your place. Will she consider you an assistant coach or will she consider you the commissioner of basketball? She’ll treat you differently depending how you appear to her. The trick, frankly, is not to play by her rules at all. Know her game, and then don’t play it. This will frustrate her for a while, but eventually she will view you in a different costume. Look back at the description again. She can’t discern for herself who you really are. She doesn’t grasp nuance. She needs to classify you in a defined role and treat you according to the social rules for the role you’re in. I’m not saying assume that role. I’m saying you should be yourself but by knowing her game you can thwart her rules, confuse her, and let her sort you out as best she can. She understands hierarchy and respect. She doesn’t respect someone with fewer coaching credentials than she has unless she is compelled to respect you by association, by her inability to classify you, or, believe it or not, by the kindness you show.

By all this am I suggesting that I am or that you be a manipulator? Not exactly. When you pull a knife-wielder off balance as he attacks you, yes, for a moment you’re manipulating him. I’m suggesting that you anticipate and adjust enough to the manipulators that you thwart their efforts. You’re not the one on the attack. They’re on the attack, either quickly, like locusts, or slowly, like termites. Both devour everything consumable in their paths. Don’t be consumable.

2002
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